Author Archives: Fred Ray Lybrand
Author Archives: Fred Ray Lybrand
In one of the FB Groups I visit someone asked about how long it takes for kids to like the curriculum. It’s a great question, and we found some liked it faster (and more) than others did. However, it strikes me that the ‘liking part’ can be an issue. So, I’m relaying my thoughts here: My first response:
We never asked, “Do they like it?” We asked, “Are they learning how to learn?”
I guess our kids never liked it. They thought of school as something they were to do (like baths and feeding the dogs). We built in things they would like…for example, if they worked hard they could get off school sooner. They liked the surprise that came when a book was good, and they like finishing a book that wasn’t so great. They liked family, and playtime, and vacations, and music lessons; and, they liked our Bible Studies and their friends from church and scouts.
But today? They all LOVE what we did as a family with schooling. They all see that their life is on a good course with The Lord and their ability to learn is secure and improving still. They LOVE that we were an RC family (with tweaks). They LOVE that they can do their work in college (and beyond) and not struggle with not enjoying the hard parts of learning. Learning is now important to them, the process is no longer an issue.
The Bottom Line: The process was liked OK because we keep the End Result in view. We kept sharing a vision for college and life so they could focus on Reading/Writing/Math on a daily basis.
More of the story for anyone interested:
Off to learn,
Fred Ray Lybrand
Here’s how we thought about teaching our kids math facts. We had five children and they all have thanked us more than once for being so ‘tough’ on them…really we weren’t, but we are a bit different than the child-centeredness that is all the rage these days. Hope this is helpful!
-Fred Ray and Jody Lybrand
Dr. & Mrs. Fred Ray Lybrand
A few weeks ago someone asked a question about group vs. individual teaching in homeschool. Here was my response...hope it helps.
We certainly did group lessons, especially with reading books and doing narration (Charlotte Mason) in the early years.
We took off MLK Day from normal school and watch a relevant movie (for many years it was one of my favorites called Boycott…in many ways about the birth of the Civil Rights Movement and Dr. King’s leadership). Last year, Brooks and I went to the theatre and watched Selma (he was the last of our 5 to be at home).
These days always involved a lot of discussion about the movement (remember, Jody and I grew up in Alabama, Jody is from Montgomery, and my dad was a 2-term State Legislator).
We did the same with other movies like Star Wars & Harry Potter…debriefing the good and the bad and the lessons to be learned.
These group discussions were a rich part of our educational process…we probably should have done more of them.
P.S. Some of the movies we watched have mature themes in them and so are probably for older kids / your discernment (Boycott fits this category, but is still a powerful movie kids should discuss before college, in my opinion).
P.P.S. Yes, we did limit TV & movies, but we decided we needed to prepare the kids to discern what they were viewing in this world rather than mostly avoiding the viewing altogether. This is a big personal decision for mom & dad, so I certainly respect those who avoid media as well.
Off to learn,
Dr. Fred Ray Lybrand
P.S. My dad was Fred Ray Lybrand Sr. and served in the Alabama State Legislature (1966-1974) during the George Wallace / Albert Brewer era. He passed in 2001 in Anniston (where we grew up). Jody and I met at the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa) and married in 1982 before moving to Dallas for Seminary.
Nick Saban a perfectionist? Maybe, maybe not. Jody & I met while were were attending the University of Alabama and saw the Tide win two national championships back then.
Saban wins partly because he has standards that he holds his players to. If standards are high enough, then perfection is the end game. Now, I say all of this to tell you that if you have standards yourself that flirt with perfection, then you are probably making your self/spouse/kids/employees miserable.
There are three simple reasons perfection isn’t worth it:
1. SEEKING PERFECTION GUARANTEES DISCOURAGEMENT
Think about it. Perfection means you must compare where you are currently to where you can likely never get in this lifetime. It’s like trying to catch the horizon (good luck with that). When you compare your results with perfection you lose perspective. When you compare your results with the past you gain perspective. Back in the late 70’s there appeared a pop button ‘PBPGINFWMY’ which stood for, “Please be patient; God is not finished with me yet.” If you aren’t there and there is basically unachievable, then bummer.
2. SEEKING PERFECTION IS A TIME VAMPIRE
In the 1600s Bishop Joseph Hall noted that “Perfection is the child of Time.” That’s really the best shot we have…enough time with enough tweaking and maybe, just maybe, it can be perfect. As Sweet Brown put it, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
3. SEEKING PERFECTION DOESN’T MATTER ENOUGH TO MATTER AT ALL
98% is plenty good for almost everything (and the other 2% just ain’t worth it). Think about college— a 98 and a 100 are both still an A(+). Is the energy required for that extra 2% worth it? Rarely.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t have standards, nor am I saying we shouldn’t strive to do our best (whatever that is?). Instead, I’m suggesting that on the extreme of having perfection as a standard simply doesn’t produce much practical good in any endeavor.
In our writing training we encourage students to work from OK to GET HELP to MAKE IT GREAT. In this way people can get started. Frankly, you can’t start with perfect. I’m also pretty sure you can’t end there either!
I’d love your thoughts!
Off to learn,Fred Ray Lybrand
P.S. If you want the shortcut to ending perfectionism and the other mistaken ways we think about how to ‘do’ life…check out our course on MASTERING EMOTIONS
One of the big challenges I face in teaching kids to write is getting mom and dad to chill out about writing well. Most of us lock up when too much is on the line! The Ugly Truth is that no one can learn much of anything without practice (especially writing)…AND…when there is too much of an emphasis on writing well during practice, then almost no learning can ever helpfully happen.
Writing needs practice in order for a student to tap into her own language instinct talent. My suggestion for homeschoolers (and others) is to allow your child a day of writing WITHOUT ANY CORRECTIONS by following Natalie Goldberg’s Rules—
Don’t take your fingers from your keyboard or put down your pen because you want to check email, attend to a chore or get something.
Instead, much like during meditation, you must stay present with whatever you are writing.
If you cross out while you write, you are editing your work. There’s a time for self-censorship and for removing what you didn’t mean; it’s after your writing practice is done.
Natalie adds that writers who use pen and paper should write between the lines and on the margins of their notepads.
Again, there’s a time for proof-reading and it’s not during first drafts.
The purpose of writing practice is to free yourself, write on “waves of emotion”, and say things you hadn’t thought possible.
This loss of control is difficult to achieve, and I’ve found it only comes deep into a writing practice session.
Natalie practices Zen (a topic she relates to writing practice in her book), and she cautions against over-thinking the words that appear on the blank page.
Natalie says writers in the middle of writing practice shouldn’t back down from an idea that’s scary or an idea that makes us feel naked.
We should “dive in” because these ideas have “lots of energy”. In other words, if you feel uncomfortable writing about a topic, you need to write about it.
What a powerful gift if your child begins to practice outside of ‘class time’ because he learned to see the power of learning. Practice is like running everyday, rather than making every run like a race. Daily writing doesn’t need to be perfect, but it does need to be done.
Like running, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Some days you don’t want to run and you resist every step of the three miles, but you do it anyway. You practice whether you want to or not. You don’t wait around for inspiration and a deep desire to run
Hope this helps.
Off to learn,
Dr. Fred Ray Lybrand
Here's a discussion Jody and I had online discussion about kids learning to understand what they read. I think you'll find it thought provoking:
Though I'm writing this on Christmas Eve Day, the same principle applies anytime. Holidays are especially given to conflict when family's get together because we tend to easily punch each other's buttons (they know our buttons because they installed them!).
Now, to stop conflict dead in its tracks, we need to understand how it works. Of course, I mean ordinary conflict between individuals (I'm not trying to talk about the Middle East here). Basically, this diagram, if you can imagine it getting multiplied, explains a common cycle:
Bear in mind that this can be either IMAGINED or REAL, but for the cycle to work it must be PERCEIVED. Either way, someone feels blamed and defends herself, which then comes across as blame, which leads to the other person defending himself. Feel free to mix up the hims and hers in this example.
The game escalates until a final meltdown or someone walks off. Maybe they come back later and apologize, but what if you could just stop it when it's happening?
What else contributes?
What to do makes sense once you know one more thing: SPLITTING
Splitting is also known as black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking, which simply means we can tend to decided that someone/something is 100% wrong or evil (or right or good). While it goes hand-in-hand with certain personality disorders, it is also something we can all do. Long term cultural and national conflicts use this tendency. Examples include, "All Jews/Blacks/Whites/Arabs/Mexicans/Americans/Rich/Poor/Republicans/Democrats are evil."
While this is lame and irrational, it still can capture someone in the moment. If you are thinking the other person is 100% wrong, then you won't have much of a path ahead except to 'fix' them as the evil source of blaming you, true?
What Do You Do?
The key is to snap out of the black-and-white thinking AND chill-out the sense of blame. Sounds easy, huh? 😉
Here's what you do: SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT or APPRECIATION. When there is still respect/appreciation in play, then no one can really look at things in an all-or-nothing-you're-blaming-me way. Here's how you do it:
1. FIRST, tell the person something you appreciate related to the conversation (yes, you have to mean it!)
2. SECOND, tell the person whatever else you want to say
I've found you can also mediate well in this manner. You describe what you appreciate in one person (and what you are concerned about / disagree with), then you repeat it for the other person. A professor of mine named Norman Geisler taught us to list what was 'good' about the other point of view BEFORE we gave our arguments against it. Great approach!
So, here is how it might sound.
"I appreciate that you are staying in the conversation and want to resolve it, but I'm frustrated that I can't finish my thought without being interrupted."
"I appreciate that you care so deeply for racial equality, but I don't see how you are considering both sides of the debate."
"I really respect your talent for debate as a means of understanding the issue, but it doesn't seem you are open to someone sharing new information."
Obviously you may need to run at this a few times, but you'll find that if you FIRST keep sharing something you respect or appreciate related to the conflict of the moment, then things will most often calm down. Of course, with humans nothing works all the time! What this does tend to do is to get it out of the black-and-white-blame loop because you are reaching toward their heart with something good.
Off to learn,
Fred Ray Lybrand
P.S. This approach works even better if you and the other person can both agree to communicate with appreciation or respect before sharing the point of disagreement.
How about a little honesty: We all want to succeed, true?
Success just means that we get the end result we want. If you want to graduate college and don’t, you just can’t call that success. You might be successful, but not on that point because you didn’t successfully complete college (what you wanted). Of course, there’s nothing necessarily special about having to complete college (ask Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg); but if it is your aim, then success means finishing.
Even spiritual goals like peace and joy and kindness can only be considered successful for us when we get them. The challenging thing about success is that it REQUIRES FAILURE. I developed the diagram below a few weeks ago after finishing our Mastering Goals Course (especially for kids). When I showed it to Jody she said, “You came up with that?” I said, “Yep, I did just now.” She said again, “You did that?” Now, that’s one of her best compliments (and I am grateful) because she instantly got the point…which, on occasion, she misses because I can get a little complicated if I don’t watch myself. Apparently I passed the keep-it-simple-silly test this time!
OK, so there’s not much to it. It kind of sounds like “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.” And, while that’s OK, it doesn’t really grasp the important fact that FAILURE is a necessary step in the process. Moreover, LEARNING is also a required step toward success. The idea is that you are in a not-yet-successful box that you must break out of by outwardly moving from trying, to failing, to learning, to Trying again.
This is exactly how it works…we all, who can, learned to walk this way. We tried and failed and learned and EVENTUALLY walked! Aren’t you glad the first time you plopped down on your bottom no one said, “You failure, you’ll never learn to walk!” and left it at that?
All of us need to be cheered on, and we must learn that failing is a part of learning. I know it’s simple, but most miss it. In preparing our kids to leave home and impact the world (or at least survive / thrive), we simply must get them to value failing and learning and trying again.
We have a great course that can help you make this real in their lives. Check it out by clicking on Mastering Goals.
Off to fail,Dr. Fred Ray Lybrand
P.S. Okay, sometimes there are one-hit-wonders…but it only happens rarely and NEVER in multiple areas for anyone’s life. Best to get used to The Outward Spiral of Success!
So, don’t we hear this all the time? How are you going to socialize your child if you homeschool? What about socializing homeschoolers when they are isolated from others?
These kinds of jabs are a bit frustrating, but I’m sure jabs go in the other direction. Often people are asked, “Aren’t you afraid for your child’s safety in public school (implied: since you don’t home school)?
So what about socialization? What happens to human beings to become socially mal-adjusted? Can homeschoolers really figure out the socialization question? Is it legitimate? Do private school and public school kids face a guarantee about socialization themselves.
Here are a few thoughts…hope they help!
If you find this helpful, would you please send it along by re-tweeting it or sharing it on facebook or your site? Also, as always, leave a comment and we’ll talk about it!